Sexy my Ass

On a TV-preview teaser for a new episode of How do I Look? on the Style channel, host Jeannie Mai says to a natural-looking, mid-30-ish woman, “You’re the first woman I have ever met who doesn’t want to look sexy.”

If I were the gal she said that to, here’s what I’d spell out for Ms. Mai:

Women go to all these lengths – with a huge investment of time, expense and effort – just to maintain some particular ethic of appearance and sexual desirability – yet men aren’t driven first and foremost to look sexy for women (that shaved-bare, skin-head look? Ugh!). In addition to that, many men perceive that women are these appearance-obsessed, self-absorbed creatures, which means they don't even respect women for all the labor they go through on their appearances.  The truth is, the majority of men don’t even give a rat about all the details of “put-together-ness” that a woman demonstrates, and the ones that do tend to also be the kind of men who will likely want to “trade up” once a wife is no longer the latest model and style.

Listen to lyrics of songs and you will often hear men commenting on how their gal doesn’t need all that makeup and those fancy clothes and how they like her best when she’s a little disheveled or dressed down in jeans, etc.  My experience has been that men have way more respect for a woman who can be ready to go in ten minutes than they have for women who strive to always “look sexy,” and who require all the maintenance which that entails.

Additionally, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. A lot of these fashionista-type women all look the same and it’s all fake-y and expensive and kind of a huge waste of energy.  Sure, it’s good to have some nice wardrobe and accessory pieces and the ability to look great when you want to do it up a bit. But “looking sexy” does not have to be this huge end-goal that drives women’s whole sense of being. In fact, that is a totally submissive, male-chauvinistic approach to life.  If a gal wants to live like that, it’s her prerogative, but it certainly shouldn’t be expected of women anymore that ‘normal’ is about being focused on wanting to look sexy, as Ms. Mai seems to think.

Personally, I purposefully dress down my sexiness because it draws too much attention and panders to male entitlement.  Plus, there are lots of ways to look attractive, interesting, pleasant and feminine without having to show off a lot of skin or curves or every recent must-have fashion mandate.  And even if sexy is what some women strive to be, the fact is that a gal with her own unique fashion-identity is way sexier to most men that a cookie-cutter gal who looks like all the other cookie-cutter gals of her generation.